I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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