I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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