Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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