I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
