Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
