saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
