A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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