Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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