Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
