$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
