He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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