Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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