My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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