I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
