I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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