I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
