I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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