my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
