ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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