I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you made out with another girl for some wings
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
