Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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