My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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