yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
