Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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