Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
