I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
