Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
