The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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