I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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