I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
