Non-Jews are for practice
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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