Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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