i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
