thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
