Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
