I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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