I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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