Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
