miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
