I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
