We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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