I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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