if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
