You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
