Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
