census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
