Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
