Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
