I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
