Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
