I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
