I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
