WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
